Wide Awake Again

Well, my new habit seems to be avoiding sleep.  The problem is I have never, nor will I ever, purposely engage in this habit.  On the contrary, the avoidance of sleep seems to be something that has been foisted upon me by a force greater than myself.  I toss, I turn, I toss again, and yet--sleep eludes.

So, here I am, after confidently telling my sister that I was feeling tired and going to bed an hour ago, and I am still wide awake, despite being completely exhausted.  Thus, I blog.  I am thinking that it is time to break down and talk to the doctor about some sort of sleeping aid because otherwise I am going to freak out!

I think I am going to take up a new hobby to do in the evening.  What is a good hobby for 1 am...well, besides something morally bereft.  Perhaps I can begin a puzzle...no I have no patience for puzzles.  Perhaps I can create some sort of invention that will make me millions....nope, not that bright.  Okay, I guess I will just keep writing, watching, and annoying myself.

Alright, I guess I will try to lay down again and stop grumbling about it....by the by....before people start commenting on what I could try to do to cure the insomnia...I've tried everything.  Not that my ego allows me to believe that anyone reads these posts...

Second Verse Same as the First...

Okay, I realize it has literally been a year since my last post, but it has been an incredibly difficult year, so cut me some slack.  I am going to be writing more frequently because I can now post from my phone.  Of course, this means that the content might not always be perfect with regards to grammar and spelling. 

I am going into my fifth year of teaching middle school, and I just received the fantastic news that my kids passed the state test.  I am thrilled right now!  I love teaching, and I haven't had one day of doubt about this being my calling.

On the home front, my daughter is 19, going on 20, and lives on her own.  Her choices make me nervous and sad for her, but she is an adult now, and they are her choices to make.  This has been a very hard lesson for me to learn.  However, I need to find peace with the idea that she is her own person and has the right to make her own mistakes.

Finally, I am moving!  After four years at my current apartment building, I have decided that it is time to find a new place to call home.  I found a beautiful new apartment in Wickliffe, and my favorite aspect of the new apartment is the beautiful lakefront view from my balcony!

Okay, now that we are all caught up.  My posts for the next few weeks will be dealing with this terrible verb--"MOVING!"  I look at this verb, and I shiver and cry inwardly.  I hate moving.  It makes me sad.  Why?  You might ask....because it forces me to shuffle through my past--both the good, the bad, and the sad. 

For example, while taking down the cards from my memo board above my desk, I found the last card I received from my grandmother before she passed away from cancer in 2008.  It brought me to tears and brought a smile to my face all at the same time.  I miss her.  She was strong and funny, sometimes crabby, but she loved her family.

You see moving is putting your life, your memories, your hopes, your fears, your disappointments into small cardboard boxes and taking them to a new destination that you pray will bring you more happy than sad, but you can't of course be sure.  Moving is one of those life steps that forces you to look at your choices and ask, "Did I make the right decisions?"  You can clearly see that some were wrong and some were right, but so many others in that gray area of the unknown.

I am moving from an older apartment complex with lots of character, but lots of noise, into a beautiful, newly remodeled building with a lakefront view.  I am thrilled to also report that I will be saving a significant amount of money each month because of this move, but the quiet---oh readers of the blog---the quiet is what I am most excited about.  I have mentioned in the past the joy I find in a quiet life.  I enjoy the truth of silence.  Therefore, this quiet building with its many benefits will suit me much better than my current locale.

Well, it is time to get busy, putting my life into boxes, so I leave you now with this thought...

If you could pack up your life, but leave one memory, choice, person behind, what or who would it be?

Exhausted

I am so tired.  I am tired of not sleeping.  I am tired of smoking.  I am tired of this summer.  I am tired of the loneliness.  I am tired.  I want to wake up tomorrow energized for a change.  I want to wake up feeling prepared to face the day at hand, instead of feeling like the day already has me beat.

During the school year, I am more in control of myself.  I feel like I have a schedule, and I can keep it.  During the summer, I feel like I am in the wind, and I don't like it.  I prefer the structure of my days.  This past school year wasn't easy, but at least I knew what to expect everyday.  I knew how my year was going to roll out.  I am eagerly awaiting that first day back. 

Well, that is just about enough whining for today.  I think I will go finish my coffee, and I will take a nap or something.

It's Been Awhile

Well, it has been a long time. I have been working for over three years now in Cleveland and living in Lakewood. I teach 7th grade language arts. I really enjoy working with the kids, and I am also working as the school librarian. My friend and I started the library last year, and it is great. The kids enjoy it, and its a great resource for our teachers.

My little girl turned eighteen last year, and before she did, she decided to move back to Canton to be with her birth mother. It broke my heart, but I couldn't force her to stay. She lives with her boyfriend and his family now. I worry about her a lot, but I know that my family and I did our best for her, and I hope that she remembers everything we taught her, and grows to be the woman I know she can be.

I spent three days in NYC this summer with my friend Sam. We had a great time. We saw the Statue of Liberty, the Brooklyn Bridge, the WTC Site, the Empire State's Building, two plays, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, and we took a cruise. It was great. We had a blast.

Now I am looking forward to next summer when we are thinking about going to Turkey with my school. We will see. Okay, well, I believe I will be signing off now. I am going to try and keep up with a little better.

Since no one reads this anyway...

Well, I have come to the conclusion that I am writing in virtual anonymity because I never have any comments on my blogs. With this in mind, I find I feel free to truly express myself. I am so frustrated with my life.

I worked like crazy for four LONG years to complete a degree that cost me a small fortune, but I have literally nothing to show for it. I have applied for hundreds of teaching positions around the state of Ohio with no results, and I am so tired. I am very tired.

I believe that God has a plan, but I am so confused right now. What could possibly be the point of all of this waiting? I pause, but I pursue. I know I need to rest in His promises, but I feel so . . . disappointed.

A Little Bit Tired, Alot Bored...

Okay, well I am really tired. I believe that I need to get a different job. I am home way too much right now. The bills are getting paid, but I am unbelievably bored and tired. I think tomorrow I will stop and get the classifieds and see what I can do for the next 8 weeks.

Well, I think it is time to find a new hobby, and I think that it is time for me to start hiking again. It has been a long time, but I think if I start small, I will truly enjoy it!

:)

Yearbook and other atrocities...

Have you ever met one of those people who just seem to rub you the wrong way. For whatever reason, they just seem to work at your nerves. They do not listen, or they continually interrupt, or they argue over trifles. "Did you see that red car?" "Well, technically, it was burgundy." Gasp!

Today was the final deadline for the yearbook. We worked hard to have everything ready. I small page mistake was made, and the rep acted like all "you know what" had broken loose. I kept saying things like, "If you could just give me a second, I think I can work this out." However, the dear gentleman wanted to keep explaining how this kind of mistake could cost us, and how this kind of mistake was costly, and, oh yeah, did he mention this mistake might cost us? It was very upsetting....

Anyway, I am better now because I started thinking about it, and I believe that if a person chooses not to listen, it is not my lose or my problem, but theirs. You see this gentleman decided to take a path in life that tells others their thoughts, opinions, etc do not matter, but he is wrong, and his need to be heard costs him daily. For instance, it cost him the account at the school I worked at.

So, this all has a point. I know the idea is sort of preachy, but, if you are that guy/girl who doesn't listen, take a moment and ask what your behavior costs you. Does it cost friends, relatives, respect, etc?

Tracy :)